Thursday, June 08, 2017

When you realize that you are the Ben Affleck character and not Will.

The last couple of post have been pretty bad and gloomy but the fact is that is just where my life is and really has always been. I have just fought it for 46 years and I am tired of the fight. One day you wake up and realize that you are not Will Hunting, from Good Will Hunting, but instead you are Chuckie.

Chuckie is the character that tells Will to leave and to never look back because the fact is that there is nothing for Will in this town but death. Chuckie understands that he is never going to be able to get out. He is not blessed enough to leave this hell. So all he can do for his friend is tell him to leave and to never look back because he understands that success will not be found here. You see he knows this but he has no way of escape himself. He accepts his role as a nothing. That he has no real importance in the world.

This is where I am. This is something I have known for a while but have always tried to fight it. I mean I could not tell you how many artist have left me to find huge success. If I listed them all your mouths would probably drop. I have also always been friends with the successful ones yet never really found my own success. I have always been the guy who knows the guy but never the guy.

This wears on you after a while. You really get tired of seeing success all around you and none for you. I never had an issue with putting in the work. I have put my time in and hard work but God has just not seen fit for me to raise from a level of mediocrity. Nor has God ever made anything easy for me. It has always been the hard way.

I know you may think I am exaggerating but anyone that has been around me for more then a month knows the crazies things happen to me. Like two days ago we were taking the kids to Karate class and I wanted a jar of homemade pickles from a fresh produce market on our way to class. I have talked and tried to get these freaking pickles for days now. We get there and the shop is open. My wife goes in to get them. Well, five minutes later my wife comes out with no pickles. Seems the lady who is watching the shop for the owner doesn't know how to work the debit card reader. So I did not get my pickles.

Now, that is just something recent. I could go on and on how getting something normal like pickles turns into a freaking quest. It is the dumbest thing ever and most folks will not believe it until they see the black cloud, which is my life, at work. It is pure evil and I must point out to that this is something God has allowed to happen to me over and over with no protection.

It is as it states in the bible. 2 Tim 2:20 "But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and of silver, but also of wood and of earth; and some to honour, and some to dishonour."

You see you have no say so what you were born for in this world. None. And the kicker is that God expects you to be joyful about it. So if you are made for a crappy life then you need to still smile and say thank you. I don't really get this at all. Sorry. This part of scripture shows that really hard work has nothing to do with anything. You are going to be in the station God put you no matter what. Your success is not based on your actions. We see this in proverbs when we are told that men plan their trips but God places their footsteps.

Having a free will and being able to change anything is falsehood and a lie. You are who you are and the fact is most of us are Chuckies and it sucks. 

Wish I could be more positive about it but the realization that you really have no real value in this world is a tough pill to swallow. 

So I guess accepting the idea of being Chuckie is the first step in understanding your life of mediocrity. Yay. SMH What a suckie life. 

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