The last couple of weeks I have really taken stock in who I am, where I am, and how I have gotten here.
I shut down Alpha Dog Studios about two weeks ago and it closed a nine year journey that led me to know where but pain. The odd thing is with this company was that I never wanted it in the first place. I had several friends who wanted to have a studio and asked me to make it happen. So I did. I put 100% into the company and it failed horribly. I lost more money then I care to even talk about. I tried to do everything right with this company. We paid talent. We kept our deadlines and I promoted the crap out of all of it and it still failed. We just did not have the money to really push the products and we did too many products at once.
I turn 46 in 5 days and I have nothing to show for my 20 some odd years of doing comics. What a freaking waste. Now with my health I am not in a position to try and "start" something new with my life. Nor do I have a desire to do so. I feel like I really put my all in and trusted God with this last endeavor and there was just no kind of payoff. If anything it put me in a worse position then I started in.
If you can tell I am not really digging life right now. I just don't think it really has a lot of value to it. We live for such a short amount and then leave this realm and really are forgotten. I mean even folks that do a lot with what they have are forgotten. Very rarely do you have individuals that make such a mark that they are remembered years after their passing. Just sad. What is the freaking point of it all? We can change others' life but even that is limited. After that person passes then your impact is gone. You have children but they grow up and get busy with their lives and of course then die. It seems very futile to me.
Yes the time here is suppose to be about loving God but if the same thing happens when we pass, as long as we know Jesus, then what is the point of being here? I mean for me; my life has been nothing but crap. One crapfest after another. No real learning. Maybe that is on me but again what good is learning if it dies with you?
These are the things going through my head because of so many failures in my life. The one thing I can actually say I was good at was failing. You can paint it how ever you like but sooner or later the failures start to define who you are. You can't fight it. I never wanted to be one of those folks that were just stumbling through life working some crappy job just to pay the bills and barely getting by and lucky me, I am not one of those folks. I am worse. I can't even hold a freaking job anymore due to my health and basically have to depend on a country that could give two craps about me or what they did to me. Where is the justice in that? Where is God?
Don't know what is ahead of me in life but I can say that I have no motivation to do anything anymore. Just don't see the value in any of it. I mean you can still bust your butt and still not have enough money to pay the bills. So sick of begging and depending on others. God is suppose to help me when I can't help myself but I feel forsaken by Him and prayer sure hasn't worked for me and my family. I almost feel cursed. If it can go wrong; it does go wrong and that is not me exaggerating.
So with this chapter closing let us see what other great failure awaits me. SMH