Not really much to talk about today. Still in a very foul mood. Just don't see a reason for life and this is not some suicide nonsense. I am just tired of the daily pain and the illusion that things can get better when reality is that it is only going to get worse.
I do feel at times that if this stuff would just go ahead and take me that my wife could at least find and marry someone that could provide for her instead of having to suffer along with me. The fact I make someone I love life's suck due to my physical and mental state makes things even worse.
I don't find enjoyment in anything anymore. I feel abandoned by God and don't feel as if Scripture is actually doing what is promised to us.
Mark 11:24 "Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them."
This is just one of many verses that talk about God giving you the desires of your heart. Of course when you bring this up to other Christians they always say the same thing "In God's timing" or "Your faith was not strong enough" or "It wasn't God's will for you".
Now the piece of scripture I posted doesn't acknowledge any of those lame excuses. It is very clear and this is not the only piece of scripture that says this.
See my issue is that if I can't trust this piece of scripture then how can I trust any of it? And understand for me it isn't just about my prayers not being answered. I look around and see so many Christians suffering and living as the poor. And yes I know our real treasure is in heaven but that doesn't mean that you can't be blessed here too. I know plenty of folks that have it both ways.
Of course then you have to remember the piece of scripture that tells us that some are made for great things while others are made for trash.
It is a hard pill to swallow to know that you were made for nothing more then to be a beggar and borrower. Especially when you had dreams. Dreams that aren't going to come true because the bible also tells us that a man can plan his route but God places his footsteps. So no matter what plans I make I am nothing more then a pawn or action figure that God does with what He desires.
The other kicker is too that if I don't get in line and find joy with how God treats me then off to hell I go. I mean how is living for 70 years then spending all eternity in hell justice? And God is a God of justice. I mean even in our prison system we have parole and a limit for doing certain crimes. I do know that denying Christ is a sever crime but what is the purpose of making me just to turn around and demand I give my life back to you or I go burn in hell? These kind of things have always bothered me and this is not about being "fair" but about being just.
But like I said you don't really have a choice in anything. It is an illusion of choice. I mean a real choice would have been 1) you can die and go to heaven to be with God or 2) you can go to paradise where there is no sin. That choice would show more about whether or not someone actually loves God. Although the bible does say to be saved out of fear too.
This is why I just don't care anymore. What is the actual point? Nothing you do here is really going to be remembered. And unless you get in line then you go to hell. I just can't take the empty promises anymore and I am tired of living a crappy life and most folks that know me know that my life has not been the greatest. I mean my hope was just maybe, just maybe my last part of my life would be a good one but God just would not give me that either. For whatever reason He wants my entire life to suck and be filled with pain. Not sure what I did to deserve this crap but again what can you do? You can't fight God.
So really the only left is to sit here and wait for death and pray that maybe it will come without pain but nothing comes easy or blessed for me.