Thursday, August 23, 2012

Restless

Well, I am finally getting over some type of flu or cold nonsense. It hit me last Friday pretty bad and hasn't really let up much until today. I hate having a stopped up or running nose. The art is still at a stand still. Getting sick did not help that at all. My motivation has just went straight down hill. It isn't that I don't have work because I have a couple projects plus my own books that are going to be published through Hound comics but I just haven't had the motivation to do any of it. The failed Kickstarter campaign really hit me hard and I have yet to recover. I know most folks will not really understand why the Kickstarter thing affected me so much but it has more to do with just about everything in my life and failed goals. I have never really stood out in most things I have done. For the most part I was always good at a lot of things but never great at any one thing. This was always a frustration to me. I failed in the militarty because I just could not take orders, which has a lot to do with the way I was raised and the fact I did not have either parent there and I pretty much raised myself from 12 on. I failed in my first marriage and now my kids are going through the same hell I went through. I failed as a preacher because of my first marriage failing and now I have failed with the comic book launch. It gets old. Sometimes you just need a win to get you over the hill. I am 41 and really don't see that I have made much of the time that God has given me. The world would be no more or less effected if I was here or not. It is funny; when you are young you think you are going to grab the world by the horns and make it bend to you but then as you get older and the horns have punctured you a couple of times; you realize that you did not have big enough hands to hold the horns. Hopefully, something will change with me shortly. Either I can get a spark to draw or I can find another career but I need something for my sanity and the well being of my family.

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Motivation is on vacation. UGH.

It has really been crazy the last couple of weeks. Between the failed Kickstarter campaign, and my newborn son, my ability and desire to draw has just vanished. I don't really know what the freak is up with that at all. It isn't that I don't have work to do. I have two 11 page stories that I have to illustrate and two of my own books to script and get ready for print. I've went through droughts before because that is part of being an artist but this one is different. For the first time in a long time I am considering other vocations. It even crossed my mind to go back to college and get my masters in criminal psycology or criminal behavior. Maybe return to doing criminal investigations like I did in the military. I don't know if it would be that bad a thing to become a private investigator or do personal security. I have the connections to do it but I just don't know. This is evne the first time I have even acknowledged that it is a possible way to go. I am just tired of fighting an endless battle with nonsense. The comic industry is pretty full of it. Political bullcrap that I have never been good at because I am not one to hide my convictions. This of course doesn't sit to well with those that only want to be surrounded by yes men and heaven forbid you aren't a liberal because that in itself is a death mark. Also, it doesn't help that my art is subpar and I am not sure that I have the motivation to keep trying to improve. It is just hard for me to justify the work. If I could see a pay off then maybe but I don't think there would be much of one in comics. Another isssue is that I always seem to run into folks that have screwed me in the past and somehow I am suppose to just sweep that stuff under the rug and still work with them. This is just stupid to me. Why would you work with folks that you know are going to screw you due to them already screwing you once before? There is no common sense involved in that train of thought. I thought about making a list and seeing the pro and cons of doing art and comics but really I don't know if I could come up with any pros. The worse part is that I just don't have any enjoyment in it at all. I know this could be just me going through a rut but it feels different then my other ruts I have fought through. Just don't know. Sorry no art with this post. I haven't really drawn as I stated above.